


Poison Years

by jlillymoon



Category: MorMor - Fandom, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-09 01:05:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3230420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlillymoon/pseuds/jlillymoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of James Moriarty and Sebastian Moran from their first meeting until...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jimmoriartyisthebestboss](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=jimmoriartyisthebestboss).



> Here it is! I am sorry you had to wait so long jimmoriartyisthebestboss, but this is the beginning. I've been working very very hard on your story and I wanted to have a good start on it before I posted for the first time. This is a story I've wanted to tell since I was lead down the garden path to hell of Mormor. I love it.   
> Written as a pitch hit for the exchangelock holiday trope.   
> I will be posting more, I haven't quite figured out the schedule yet, but I will let you know when I do.  
> I hope it lives up to your expectations and you enjoy it!
> 
> *** I will update tags as needed ***
> 
> Finally... thank you demonic symphony for your ideas and holding my hand as I descended into mormor hell,  
> the rest of my mormor friends for helping me evolve my head canon, littleredhotridinghood for the really late night conversations, ghislainem70 for the encouragement and of course yestheladylaudanum for taking this mess of words and helping me beat it into submission. (I'm still sorry my fingers type at a different speed than my brain. I hope it gets better )

Chapter 1- Dublin December 31,1995  
First Meeting

Sebastian stuffed his hands into his pockets as he shuffled along the high street. He decided he was too cold to light the cigarette he was craving and he just wanted to get to the house where the party he had been invited to was being held. He walked with his shoulders hunched and wondered for the eightieth time that evening why he had agreed to spend New Years Eve in cold Dublin instead of warm Monaco or even one of the Caribbean islands like he had originally planned.  
He looked up to see the house that he knew from spending a few holidays there with his mates from Eton ahead of him. He sucked in a cold breath and exhaled, creating a stream of steam from his mouth and increased his pace, knowing a warm house and a cold beer were waiting for him just a few feet away.

Jim stood in the corner of the over crowded and over heated room, nursing the one beer he was allowing himself on New Years. He was trying to make himself seem normal and being that he was young, the only reason he was at the party was because it was being held in the house where he was staying. The small boarding house of sorts, was a rental property that often saw action over various school holidays where boys would rent the place in order to have a crash pad while wreaking havoc on the surrounding town. Jim would have preferred to have spent the night studying for his next and final term at Trinity, but he found the noise too loud to ignore and all his other usual haunts for quiet reading and studying were closed on the holiday. 

The front door opened and closed quickly, letting in a blast of cold air and a tall ginger headed boy with it. Jim watched as the boy was greeted with hugs and handshakes by many of the local boys. He must have been a schoolmate of theirs from Eton and Jim shook his head. It was sad to see such a beautiful boy wasted to the rich and elite. 

Sebastian opened the door to the house and stepped inside quickly. He was assaulted by noise and dim lighting immediately. He peeled off his wool coat and it was tossed over the back of a sofa, forgotten about for the moment. Several of his friends came to greet him and handed him a cold beer, that he started sipping. Sebastian chatted with a few people for a moment, before asking a question and being pointed in the direction of the kitchen in the back of the house. He grabbed his coat again and headed down the hallway. 

Jim watched Sebastian walked towards the kitchen, figuring that his friends were telling him where the sunroom was so he’d be able to smoke. Jim was the longest resident there and he made it clear while he didn’t mind smoking in general, he wanted it kept to one room of the house. The sunroom became the place to smoke. After he left the house in the spring, they could do as they pleased and Jim didn’t care one way or another. But suddenly, his own body began to crave a smoke, so he followed Sebastian’s path to the room.

The room was dark, save one small table lamp that cast a pinkish glow across everything that reached it’s weak beam. Sebastian was sitting in the old rattan chair, his elbows on his knees, alternating between his beer and his cigarette.

“Mind if I join you?” Jim asked, surprising Sebastian who hadn’t heard him approach. Sebastian nodded and Jim took the only other seat in the room, perching on the edge of the matching rattan sofa. He pulled out his old pack of cigarettes and lit one, inhaling deeply. Sebastian watched out of the corner of his eye and took a long pull off of his beer.

“Cold out, isn’t it?” Jim asked, trying his hardest to make his housemate’s guest feel welcomed so that Jim’s own life would be tolerable for the next few months.  
“It is. I was wondering why I agreed to come when I was on a beach just a week ago.” Sebastian said. He took another drag from his cigarette and chuckled to himself. “The things we do for friends.”

“Darling, you have no idea.” Jim drawled. Sebastian looked up and smiled at Jim. Jim was almost a foot shorter than Sebastian, but looked to be about the same age. 

“I’m Sebastian.” Seb shifted his bottle to the hand holding his cigarette and extended it to shake Jim’s smaller hand.

“Jim.” Jim said in return. “You went to Eton with the… lads?” Jim attempted to keep the venom out of his voice and was only partially successful.

“Yeah.” Sebastian said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck and head in embarrassment. “You? You at Trinity with them?”

“Indirectly. I live here. I’m about to start my last term.”

“Wow. You don’t look old enough.” Sebastian said with awe.

“I’m older than I look.” Jim spit out, used to the fact his smaller stature gave him the appearance of a child. He was nineteen and with years of poor nutrition and regular illness, he looked closer to fifteen. It was always a sore spot for him.

“Sorry.” Sebastian offered with a small laugh. “I didn’t mean you look like a kid, but that… well… that you look younger than these idiots and you are done with school. That’s impressive.”

“Thank you.” Jim said in a bored voice. He studied Sebastian’s face for a moment and found his golden skin and ginger hair to be out of place in the bleak and harsh winter of Dublin. His eyes were ice blue and Jim found that they were staring at his own dark ones. 

Sebastian watched the other man across from him, almost seem bored by the whole conversation and he wondered if he had been followed into the sunroom or if he was bored and looking for someone to talk to. Someone who really didn’t fit into the whole group, as Sebastian often felt he didn’t.

Sebastian felt his eyes drawn to Jim’s darker ones and in the dim lighting it was hard to tell their true colour. But there was something behind them, an intelligence that was fierce and nowhere in league with any of the people that Sebastian knew at the party. Jim sucked in a small breath and Sebastian realised that he had been staring at the other boy.

“Why are you here?” Jim asked, narrowing his eyes at Sebastian. Sebastian laughed.

“I’m not sure myself.” he answered honestly. “It’s not like I have seen anyone since graduation, and I was very happily exploring around the world by myself when they called.”

“Humm.” Jim answered. He stubbed out his cigarette and looked around the room. “You want to get out of here?”

“Excuse me?” Sebastian asked.

“Not like ditch the party… entirely. I’m bored and I have no desire to stay here and watch these arseholes drink themselves to death tonight. I would much rather go back to my room and… I don’t know. Anything else. You seem to be as out of place here as I am and since not one of them has come to look for you in the last fifteen minutes we have been sitting here… I thought you might like a change as well.”

Sebastian kept his face neutral and watched the smaller boy speak. He found himself nodding inspite of what he thought he wanted to do. He stood up from the ratty chair and followed Jim up the backstairs to the last door on the upper hall.

“I chose the room in the attic. It’s colder in the winter and hotter in the summer, but it’s the quietest and largest room in the house.” Jim explained as he held the door open and began to climb the stairs. Sebastian gave one final look towards the main staircase before following Jim’s light step up the stairs.

Jim’s room was tucked into the attic, but the walls were covered and painted with a warm blue. Sebastian noticed it was hard to see the colour properly, as there wasn’t a surface that wasn’t covered in books, posters and pictures of the stars or big pieces of paper covered with tiny scrawl and mathematical formulas. A full size mattress was flopped on the floor in a corner with a light on the floor next to it and more books scattered around. The messy bed was warm and inviting and Sebastian noticed it was cooler up there than he expected. Jim sat down in his own favorite chair, the one that was positioned to look out over the town and gave a decent view of the night sky. He motioned for Sebastian to join him in sitting on the desk chair. Sebastian turned the chair and straddled it backwards, leaning his arms on the back of the chair. He rested his chin on his folded arms and looked at Jim. Jim smiled a bit at him and looked out the window.

“You like stars.” Sebastian said after a while. It was a statement and not a question. Jim shrugged a little.

“They’re interesting. The can’t hurt you.” he answered absently. Sebastian nodded a bit and looked out the window with Jim for a while.

“Why did you ask me up here?” Sebastian asked. Jim shrugged again and didn’t answer. He continued to watch out the window and into the night. After some time, he reached down into a bag at his side and pulled out a mostly full bottle of scotch. He uncapped the bottle and took a long pull off of it before passing it to Sebastian. Sebastian took the bottle into his own hands and looked over the label, nodding at the vintage before taking his own drink. 

Sebastian felt the heat of the scotch burn down the entire length of his throat and pool in his stomach. He was glad that he had eaten before he came, if he were going to drink more than beer for the night, he needed the food in his stomach to keep from making bad decisions. He passed the bottle back to Jim who held it loosely in his hand.

“I think the better question is why did you come up here with me?” Jim asked. Sebastian cleared his throat a bit and twisted his lips. He wasn’t sure how answer Jim as he wasn’t entirely sure himself.

“I really don’t know.” Sebastian answered after a bit. 

“Looking for a bit of rough to finish out your year?”

“Excuse me?” Sebastian retorted, feeling a bit offended. His body tensed and he was debating on leaving the small garett. Jim laughed a bit.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t willing, darling. I was just trying to understand your motivation.”

“I did not come to this party to pull.” Sebastian said, his anger slightly dampened, but not entirely. He suddenly felt as if he was being picked up. It was disorienting to the man who was used to being the alpha in a relationship.

“I didn’t say that either. Wow. You are tense.” Jim said as he ran a small hand down Sebastian’s arm. “You need to relax.”

“I am relaxed.” Sebastian spit out. Jim rolled his eyes and stood. He walked to the other side of the room and bent down, rummaging through something, pushing books aside. 

“Pet, you are one of the most uptight people in this house tonight. I figure you have daddy issues, more money than God and less sense than Jeremy Kyle.” It was Sebastian’s turn to roll his eyes. Jim smirked as he stood. Sebastian felt as if he had been watched while Jim’s back was turned. Jim came back to his chair and placed a small tin box in his lap. Sebastian tried to roll out some the tension in his shoulders and felt the dark eyes on him again. “Are you opposed to getting high?”

“Depends.” Sebastian said. Jim opened the box and twisted his lips as he considered his options. 

Jim pulled out a silver bag with a small amount of powder in it. He smiled at Sebastian and put the top back on the box before setting it down on the floor. He opened the top of the bag and dipped his finger in the powder. He put his finger in his mouth and sucked on it a bit. Sebastian watched this movement with open eyes and he felt a stirring in his cock at the sight of Jim sucking on his own finger. Jim popped his finger out of his mouth with an obscene noise and grinned at Sebastian, knowing the exact effect it was having on his libido. He offered the bag to Sebastian who took it from him and inspected the powder.

“MDMA.” Jim stated.

“Oh.” Sebastian said, dipping his own finger into the bag and pulling it off of his digits with the tip of his tongue. Jim’s mouth fell into a rounded ‘O’ for a moment before he caught his expression and schooled it behind a mask once again. Sebastian smiled and winked at Jim as he dipped his finger into the powder again. He offered his powder coated finger to Jim who shook his head before taking Sebastian’s finger into his own mouth, sucking on it while swirling his tongue around the callused pad. Sebastian let out a low noise from the back of his throat and Jim nipped at the finger as he pulled away. Sebastian dipped his finger in a third time and placed it in his own mouth, licking it clean from the crystalline drug and Jim’s saliva. It was Jim’s turn to make a small noise, almost a keening sound and Sebastian licked his lips after he removed his finger.

“Fecking hell.” Jim breathed out. Sebastian gave him his best shark grin and began to chuckle. 

“Darling, you are the one who invited me up here. If you want me to go before you get hurt, I will.” Sebastian offered, one of the last sober things he would say for the rest of the evening.

“I wouldn’t have invited you up here, pet, if I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. And I can handle a big strong tiger like you.” 

“Tiger?” Sebastian asked, his eyebrow raising to his hairline. Jim nodded and took the bag from Sebastian, placing it back in it’s box and hiding it amongst the books. Jim settled down on his mattress and waited for Sebastian to join him. Sebastian toed off his boots and hung his jacket over the back of the chair. He flopped down on his stomach, causing the mattress to bounce a little as he did. 

Sebastian folded his arms under his chin and felt Jim extend his legs out to rest on his lower back. He stared into a pile of books, catching the titles as his eyes scanned their spines. Mostly they were various forms of text books. Business, physics, maths, and history. But there were a few other genres littered in between the other tomes. Classics mostly. The red spine of A Catcher in the Rye, the gold leaf impression of Poe and Dickens. Sebastian smiled, realised that he himself had read most of the stories.

“You read a lot.” Sebastian said and Jim kneaded Sebastian’s back with his toes. Sebastian shifted a bit into the motion and ran his thumb over his lips. He was beginning to feel the effects of the powder in his system and he could feel the thumping of the bass from the music downstairs through the thin mattress. The dim light in the room was brighter than it had been before and he felt as if he wanted to touch everything he could lay his hands on to feel the different textures. He had an overwhelming desire to lick and taste Jim’s skin and to feel the heat of another body against his own.

“I do. I don’t do social.” Jim said lazily. Sebastian smiled.

“But you wanted to be social with me. Why?”

“You looked… interesting.” Jim offered with a little shrug. “There is something about you that is different than the Neanderthals that live here. And it’s hard to see you as someone that fit in with them at Eton.”

“I just get along with a lot of different people.” Sebastian said. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift for a bit. There was a shift in the weight on his back and he turned his head to see that Jim had curled up towards his legs and brought his arms around his knees. His feet were still sitting on Seb’s back.

“People.” Jim spat out as if it was the vilest of curses. Sebastian chuckled a little and shifted his gaze back to being in front of him.

“My father has always thought that the worth of a man is measured in who he knows and who he does business with. He’s a card carrying member of the old boys club. He wants that for me. My mother was a bit more…. realistic. She knew that everyone is different and their worth should be judged on their thoughts, words and deed. Not who they know. I’ve always favored my mother’s point of view with a smidge of what my father thinks. I look at it like this,” Sebastian paused and turned his head again. Jim was staring at him and he looked enraptured with his speech. “I’m not going to just get to know someone because of who they know. I want to know them because I want to know them. But, if I think there is an advantage to knowing them, it makes it all the more desirable.”

“And why did you come here then?” Jim asked. Sebastian tucked his bottom lip between his teeth and Jim’s gaze widened just a fraction. Sebastian had never really answered the question when Jim had asked him earlier.

“I…” he blew out a breath and felt the MDMA coursing through his veins. He knew that he needed to let it all go and just be honest with the older and smaller man whose bed he was currently laying on. He felt as if he owed Jim this honesty.

Jim watched as Sebastian tried to pull his thoughts together and watched all the reticence fall away under the magical spell of the drugs. He was sure that Sebastian was so much more than the posh sportsman with a privileged upbringing than he let on. Jim was a master at showing the world what he wanted them to see and he was positive that Sebastian was just as good at it. But there was an underlying vulnerability that Jim noticed, beginning to shine through the layers of protection he had shielded himself under.

“I thought you might be more interesting than the boys I went to school with.” Sebastian said quietly. Jim tilted his head a bit and looked at Sebastian.

“Why did you come to Dublin in the first place then?”

“Honestly, I thought it would be a pisser. But after being away from them for sometime now, I realised how… juvenile it all is the moment I walked through the door. That’s why I wanted a smoke right away.” 

Jim nodded his head once and rested his chin on his knees. “Do they know?”

“Know what?”

“Your… preferences.” 

“Kitten, you have no idea about my preferences.” Sebastian laughed. Jim’s face twisted a bit when Seb called him Kitten, but Sebastian didn’t notice. His laughter bounced off the walls of the small room and finally died. “No, they don’t know.”

“Why not? It’s not like our kind is hiding in the shadows anymore.” 

“Hm.” Sebastian agreed. Sebastian noted that Jim had lumped them together into a category and he was sure that it wasn’t something that Jim did often, if at all. “It’s not that I was hiding the closet. I was cautious. My father has no idea. And I know him well enough to know that he would cut me off in a heart beat. And a meal ticket is still a meal ticket. Besides, there was nothing at that institution of homophobia and misogyny that even struck me as worth while.” Sebastian shrugged. “It’s also not that I was carrying a rainbow flag and marching in pride parades covered in glitter. I happen to like men. Big deal. If someone can’t deal with it…”

“Tiger, you are so much more than your father’s son.” Jim purred. He moved on the bed and Sebastian noted the weightlessness he felt when Jim’s feet left his back. He rolled onto his back as Jim came near him and lay down on his side, facing Seb. Jim’s hand lifted up and ran it along the smooth fabric of Sebastian’s shirt, sending electric waves with his touch on Sebastian’s arm. Jim smiled a bit and Sebastian felt his own lips curling into a grin. Sebastian closed his eyes and hummed in contentment, the floating feeling of the drugs now in full swing.

Sebastian shifted again so he too was lying on his side, facing Jim. There was still several inches between them, but it would have only taken a moment to close the distance. Seb leaned in towards Jim, not entirely closing the space between them. He noted that Jim had instinctively leaned towards Sebastian, but he hadn’t closed the distance himself. They lay together, a breath’s width apart, no longer touching, but sharing each other’s air and Sebastian felt his whole world tilt on it’s axis. He had met the one person that would change his life forever. And instead of feeling dread, he felt peace. For the first time in his young life, he felt as if everything was going the way it was supposed to go.

Jim felt the rough calloused pads of Sebastian's fingers on his cheek and he leaned toward the touch some. Jim’s stubble dragged under Sebastian’s movement and Sebastian loved the feeling. He closed his eyes and decided to close the distance between them.

Jim’s eyes were open and he watched as Sebastian’s ice blue ones closed and he pressed his lips against Jim’s. Jim felt the plush and yielding of Sebastian’s lips move against his.   
Jim wasn’t a virgin. A insipid female back in the same block of council flats that Jim grew up in saw to that nasty issue years ago. But he was inexperienced with intimacy. Rarely had he even found someone that peaked his interest enough to bring back to his room, let alone have a rough shag in a pub or someplace. But Sebastian was like a ray of sunshine breaking through the gloom, regardless of how cliche it sounded in Jim’s head.

Jim’s lips were unmoving at first and suddenly he opened his mouth and fell into the kiss. He was more used to the MDMA than Sebastian, but the effects of the crystalline powder was suddenly upon him and he felt as if this was the normal level of emotional contact people experienced. His own hand drifted up from his side and rested on Sebastian’s arm. The heat of the contact sent shivers down Sebastian’s spine and he deepened the kiss. The tip of his pink tongue slipped out from between his lips and he traced the bottom of Jim’s plush bottom lip. Jim gasped a bit at the contact and his own lips opened, allowing Sebastian access to his mouth.

Jim’s mouth was warm and tasted of whiskey. Jim’s tongue was rough against Sebastian’s and he felt a surge of desire run straight to his groin. His hips shifted unconsciously towards Jim and Jim’s hand moved to the small of Sebastian’s back, pulling him closer.

Jim felt the heat of Sebastian through the shirt and jeans he was wearing, glad for the small amount of clothing between them, fearing a spark if they were skin to skin. Jim noticed that Sebastian had moved his hand up and onto the back of his neck, pulling his head closer to his own and their mouths had begun to suss out a power struggle between them. Jim, usually the quiet yet dominating one in any relationship, was beginning to wonder if he should defer to the younger man’s experience. He moved his head back a fraction in order to gain some much needed air and he noticed the insistent hardness of Sebastian’s cock against his thigh. Jim’s own jeans were tight and there was a dampening area beginning to form in his pants.

There was no doubt in either of their minds that there was sexual attraction between them and they were going to ring in the new year in bed with each other. Jim had not expected to find himself in the arms of someone attractive, yet alone willing to bed him; and Sebastian hadn’t planned on finding someone to spend the night with. Both men were surprised and Sebastian smiled down at Jim as he rolled his hips against Jim.

“I didn’t expect this, you know.” Sebastian whispered. Jim’s face broke into a grin.

“I have to admit I too am pleasantly surprised.” Sebastian giggled a little and Jim tugged at the front of Sebastian’s shirt. “However, there are still far too many clothes between us, Tiger.”

“That I can remedy.” Sebastian retorted. They both sat up and unceremoniously shed everything they were wearing in one go.

Jim lay back on the bed, in his normal place and Sebastian sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, one foot tucked up against his inner thigh and ran his fingers down Jim’s side. He watched Jim look up at him through long thick lashes of black kohl and he smiled.

“You are one of the sexiest men I have ever met.” Sebastian offered and Jim shook his head.

“Then you either have a real issue with kinks or you are blind.” Sebastian smiled and leaned in to steal a kiss. 

“Neither.” Sebastian stated as Jim tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth. “Honest.” he managed to spit out before Jim pulled him on top of his own lithe body.

“Shut it.” Jim smiled. His hands found Sebastian’s skin to be as warm as the golden colour suggested and he let his fingers trace over him. Sebastian had lain on top of Jim, keeping the majority of his weight on his forearms as to not crush the smaller man. 

Jim’s mouth sought out Sebastian’s and they crushed together with new a fever, tongues and teeth clashing in passion. Jim’s hips rose to meet Sebastian’s and the touch of their erections sent shocking waves of pleasure through each of them. Jim snaked his hand down Sebastian’s broad chest and flicked over his nipples as he went. Sebastian threw his head back in pleasure and moaned a bit at the electric touch. Jim’s small hands were everywhere at once and Sebastian sucked in a breath as his heavy cock twitched with anticipation.

Sebastian looked with his light coloured eyes into the darker ones and he licked his swollen lips. The edges of Jim’s mouth quirked up into a smile and he nodded, answering Seb’s silent question. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Jim nodded again. Sebastian began to pepper Jim’s jaw line with kisses, moving down to his neck and across his collarbones. He shifted lower and Jim shivered under Sebastian’s movements. He continued to trace a trail down Jim’s torso and let his tongue lap at the pale Irish skin the colour of cream. Sebastian nuzzled the joint at Jim’s hip and turned to rest his cheek on the soft flesh. His hot breath caused Jim’s slender but lengthy cock to twitch and he could feel Sebastian smile as he noticed the effect he was having on him. He traced his fingers up the underside of Jim’s other leg and made random circles against the inside of his thigh. Jim sighed a bit at the touch, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth in order to keep the sensations under control. Sebastian grabbed the back of his thigh and shifted so that his knee was bent over Seb’s shoulder. His moist breath was now only inches away from Jim’s erection and Sebastian licked his lips again as if he was surveying a large meal.

“You are so beautiful.” he murmured before his lips gave a gentle kiss to the tip of Jim’s prick. Jim moaned at the touch and his sound was abruptly cut off when Sebastian pulled the length into his mouth. Sebastian smiled as he lapped at Jim with his tongue and hollowed out his cheeks, sucking on Jim as he pulled his mouth away from his groin slowly. Jim’s body shuttered and his left hand fell to the top of Sebastian’s head, pulling gently on the short blonde strands. His other hand became fisted in the sheets. 

Sebastian continued to suck and lick up and down Jim’s length, feeling Jim fighting the instinct to push his hips up towards Sebastian’s mouth. Sebastian paused for a moment when he felt Jim’s body shift and he felt something hit his hand that was laying next to Jim’s hip. His fingers closed around the item and he realized it was a bottle of lube. He masterfully dumped a little into his hand as he continued to worship Jim’s cock with his mouth. He let his fingers sit at the hole between Jim’s slender legs for a moment, before taking all of Jim into his mouth again and pushing the first finger into him.

Jim stilled as Sebastian’s mouth slid down his shaft and he felt the slight push and burn as Sebastian breached the ring of tight muscle with his finger. His cock was swirled by Sebastian’s tongue before he began to move his finger in and out. Jim sucked in his breath and Sebastian stilled his movements again. Jim tugged on Sebastian’s hair, not wanting him to stop.

Sebastian started to move again and he added a second finger along side his first. He could feel Jim relaxing underneath him and he added a third as he allowed Jim’s full length to touch the back of his throat and swallowed.

“Fuck.” Jim spit out and Sebastian swallowed again. Jim nearly dragged Sebastian up from his cock in order to kiss him, the sudden absence of Sebastian’s mouth on his cock and his fingers from inside his stretched hole allowing him to calm for a much needed moment.

Sebastian felt the sudden reemergence of his own desire as Jim dragged him up the bed and across his body in order to kiss him. He felt the sudden need to be inside Jim and he pulled his strong arms around Jim and shifted him up and onto his lap. Jim wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders and let his head fall back to expose his neck. Sebastian attacked his throat with his teeth as he lined his own cock up to Jim’s hole.

“You sure?” Sebastian asked aloud and Jim gave him a look that Sebastian laughed at. He pushed into Jim with one movement and they both moaned louder than they intended. Jim pushed back with his hips and seated himself fully on Sebastian’s cock.

Sebastian pulled Jim towards him, kissing him with a new found passion and trapping his own spit-slicked cock between them. 

Jim and Sebastian set a brutal rhythm, their time of being tender and learning each other was gone. Their need and want had won out. Jim pushed against Sebastian's shoulders, impaling himself over and over again on Sebastian’s cock. The width and length of Sebastian filled him up and skimmed over his prostate over and over again. The friction on his own erection brought him closer to the edge. Sebastian’s own stomach tightened with his own nearing climax and Jim held Sebastian’s eyes as he lifted his hips one last time and came across their stomachs. 

Sebastian felt the warmth of Jim on his stomach and he lost what little self control he had left. He thrust his own hips up once more and held Jim’s quivering form against his own body as they rode out their orgams together.

Jim’s forehead rested on Sebastian’s shoulder and they sat panting together for a moment. Once Jim regained his own breathing, he slowly climbed off of Sebastian, picking up his discarded tee shirt and wiping them both off before flopping back on the bed. 

Sebastian flopped on the bed next to Jim and carded his hand through his sweat soaked hair.

“Wow.” Sebastian whispered and Jim turned to his side. He ran a hand down Sebastian’s arm and Sebastian lifted it a bit. He pulled Jim closer to him and he fit along Sebastian’s side.

The room smelled of sex and sweat. Jim was warmer than he had ever been in his lonely garrett and he felt a sense of contentment fall over him as he began to drift off into sleep.

“Stay.” he stated quietly as he pressed his lips to Sebastian’s neck, the only place he could reach without moving.

“Sure.” Sebastian answered before closing his own eyes to surrender to sleep.

The two men settled into sleep as the fireworks lit up the night sky, ringing in the new year.


	2. Walk of Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story continues...   
> I would like to take this moment to thank a few people for everything. Firstly to yestheladylaudanum for helping me make sure all the letters are in the right places and for brit picking the hell out of this... You are the best!  
> Secondly to jimmoriartyisthebestboss for the wonderful prompt in the first place. Long way to go yet...but the ride will be fun.  
> And last but certainly not least.... littleredhotridinghood. I'm so tired anymore and it's because working out details with you until the wee hours of the morning has been not just helpful but oh so much fun.... and I will stop stomping on your heart at some point... maybe....   
> Thank you all!

Chapter 2- Dublin January 1, 1996  
The Walk of Shame

Jim awoke in the early morning, feeling overheated and he wondered for a quick moment if he was sick. He wasn’t used to feeling so hot and as he stretched a bit, his body remembered the night previous. His arm hit another solid flesh body in his bed and he smiled. Sebastian hadn’t left in the middle of the night. Jim normally wouldn’t have tolerated sharing his bed with anyone for more than sex, but he found that sleeping with Sebastian had been comfortable and felt what he assumed was akin to normal.

Sebastian began to stir next to Jim and he rolled onto his side. He opened his heavy eyes and smiled as he saw the dark irises starting back at his own.

“‘Morning.” he yawned. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to stay….”

“It’s fine.” Jim said. He raised his hand and planted it on Sebastian’s cheek in an act of tenderness and Sebastian relaxed a bit. “I asked, didn’t I?”

“You did. But I wasn’t sure that you wanted me here in the morning.” Sebastian admitted. Jim smiled and leaned into kiss Sebastian. 

“If I didn’t want to wake up next to you this morning I would have kicked you out.” Jim drawled, his voice bored and very different from what Sebastian had experienced the night before. 

Sebastian rolled over and found his pants and tee shirt in a pile on the floor. He pulled them both on, turning to watch Jim as he lay back on the bed.

“So…” Sebastian started. Jim smiled up at him and grabbed his shirt to bring him back down towards him. He kissed Sebastian again and Sebastian smiled as he relaxed some. “I’m going to head back to the hotel and take a shower, get changed. You have plans for this afternoon?”

Jim shook his head and released Sebastian.

“You want to… never mind.” Sebastian started.

“This isn’t just a one off.” Jim said. “The sex was fantastic and I so want to spend at least one more night with you before you leave Dublin.”  
Sebastian felt the slight stirring in his cock and he smiled a wide grin. “I can do that.”

“Fine then. Come by and get me this afternoon.” Jim drawled again before turning over and snuggling back down under the duvet. He curled his arm around the pillow that Sebastian had used and breathed in the scent of the man who slept next to him all night. Sebastian didn’t notice as he was pulling on his clothes. 

“Alright then. I’ll be by later.” Sebastian said as he gathered his coat and boots. He sat on the top step and looked back at Jim as he was drifting back into sleep.

Sebastian stood up and went back over to the bed. He leaned down and rested his forehead against Jim’s.

“Thank you for last night.” he said before giving him a gentle kiss on the lips. Jim grabbed Sebastian’s lip with his teeth and bit down. Sebastian laughed as he felt and tasted the blood that poured out of him. Jim smirked as he lay there with his eyes closed. “Twat.”

“Arse.” Jim said. “Now go away. Sleeping.”

Sebastian got up from the bed and nearly skipped down the stairs. He had forgotten where he was for a moment and stopped at the bottom, listening for signs of life in the house before he opened the door at the bottom of the stairs. Sebastian walked quietly down the hall and followed the stairs to the main door. He found the front door and nearly had made his escape flawlessly when he closed the door behind him and saw a few of his mates from school coming up the walk. He ducked his head and pulled out a cigarette.

“Basher!” George yelled as he came up the walk. Sebastian cursed his bad timing, but was glad he was alone. “We thought you left us. Pulled some bird and got a leg up.”

“No. I got talking to Jim and crashed on his floor.” Sebastian offered, not telling the entire truth. “I just woke up and was heading back to the hotel for something to eat and bit more sleep.”

“Jim?!” George exclaimed. “The little freak that lives in the attic like a rat?”

“Yeah. We got talking about books and had a bit too much to drink.” Sebastian said, trying to get down the path to the main street. He needed to get away, since he still could smell Jim’s cologne on his clothes and sex on his skin. That was going to be harder to hide and explain.

“He’s crazy.” George said. “But then again you always had a soft spot for the mad ones.”

“Maybe.” Sebastian said. He was almost at the street. “I’ll see you later then.”

“Coming back tonight for some more partying?” George asked.

“Maybe. If I catch up on some sleep.” Sebastian said as he started down the street and towards his hotel.

Jim heard the voices as they yelled out Sebastian’s nickname from the street. He rose from his bed and made his way to the window to look out and watch the exchange. He could hear the conversation and he noted the change in Sebastian’s body language when his own name was mentioned with the tag of freak. Sebastian became defensive and he moved away from Jim’s housemates. Jim wondered if Sebastian was provoked enough if he would lash out physically at whomever threatened those who Sebastian cared about.

Jim turned away after he lost sight of Sebastian and pulled on his own pants and dressing gown. He grabbed his things for a shower, hating to lose the scent of Sebastian that was still on his own skin. But he needed to dress and get out of the house before the next party happened. He had figured out which hotel Sebastian was staying at and he would see if he could spend the night there instead of in his own home. Once the next day came around he would be back at work in the computer tech department at university and things would be better. He would have a reason to be out of the house and he could hole up in his room at night. Nothing different than his normal routine.

Sebastian stepped into his hotel room and emptied his pockets onto the bed before stripping off his clothes. The scent of Jim was still there, but his interaction with the other members of his house made him feel sick and dirty. They had tainted something good. 

Sebastian turned on the taps in the shower and called room service. He ordered himself some food and a pot of strong black coffee. He told them that he was going to get into the shower and to let themselves in.

Sebastian stood under the extremely hot water and let it run across his body. He ran his hands over his tanned skin and remembered Jim’s touch on it the night before. His cock began to awaken between his legs and he found his fingers skimming the skin along his hip. He reached down and spent several minutes taking care of himself under the constant stream of water. He had heard the door open and close and assumed it was the delivery boy with his breakfast.

Sebastian finished his basic wank and turned off the taps. He dried off with a rough towel from the rack and slung it low on his hips before giving himself a quick shave and cleaning of his teeth. He smoothed his overly long hair back and noted that while he was in a town with basic civilization, he should get a haircut.

He opened the door from the bath to find Jim sitting against the headboard of the large bed, feet crossed at the ankles and sipping coffee from a china cup as if he belonged. 

“What the hell?” Sebastian asked, slightly startled at the dark haired man sitting on his bed.

“Hello to you too.” Jim said. “Miss me?”

“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee and taking a sip to calm himself.

“I was bored.” Jim drawled. Sebastian chuckled and put down his coffee cup in exchange to find some clothes. He pulled on his pants and jeans before sitting down in the chair near where someone laid out the food he had ordered.

“Help yourself.” Sebastian offered, waving his hand over everything he ordered. There was more than enough to share and Jim hopped up from the bed to join Sebastian at the table.

“Thank you.” Jim said.

They ate quietly for a few moments and Sebastian put down his fork. “Why are you here?”

“I told you, I was bored.” Jim offered. Sebastian shook his head as he picked up his coffee again. 

“I don’t believe that.”

Jim sighed as he put down his own fork. He sat back in the chair and folded his hands in his lap. “I heard the conversation you had with your mates before you left.”

“And?” Sebastian coxed.

“And I didn’t want to be in the house any longer. So, I thought I would come to you.”

“Hm.” Sebastian answered. He put his coffee back down on the table and looked into Jim’s eyes. For the first time Sebastian saw Jim’s mask. The mask that he wore when he was dealing with the world around him. Sebastian twisted his lips and picked up his coffee again. He didn’t flinch at Jim’s stare and Jim was impressed with his resolve. Jim sighed and wiped away his mask again, staring at Sebastian with an open face.

Sebastian smirked and began eating his breakfast again. Jim laughed a little and picked up his own fork.

“You don’t scare easily, do you.” 

“Should I be scared of you?” Sebastian asked.

“Most people are. You heard them. They called me a freak. I intimidate them. If you were smart you’d run from me.” Jim said, stabbing the air between them with his fork. Sebastian laughed.

“Kitten, you came to me, remember?”

Jim smiled and stabbed his egg with his fork. “And you stayed last night.”

“I did.”

“Sounds like a perfect match.” Jim mumbled. Sebastian stopped his fork halfway to his mouth and stared at the dark haired man across from him.

“Why do I feel like I just sold my soul to the devil for a night of incredible sex?”

“You aren’t the only one, Tiger.” 

Sebastian’s laughter filled the room and Jim couldn’t help but smile at the deep throaty noise. Sebastian gulped the last of his coffee and stood up from the chair. He offered his hand to Jim who took it and stood with him. Sebastian pulled Jim towards him and wrapped his strong arms around Jim’s slender waist.

“Darling, I’m still tired. I think it’s the MDMA hangover. I want to lay down for a bit of a kip. Join me?” Sebastian offered. Jim nodded and toed off his trainers as Sebastian pulled back the duvet and stripped off his jeans. He settled into the big soft bed and Jim pulled off his jumper before climbing into the bed with Sebastian. Sebastian lay down on his side, facing the wall and Jim curled himself around Sebastian’s back before pulling the duvet up over them both. Jim’s hand snaked across Sebastian’s flat belly and Seb held his hand there. Jim’s lips found the back of Sebastian’s neck and kissed him gently.

“I think you might be the death of me.” Jim murmured as they drifted back into sleep.

 

Sebastian awoke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest and his brow wet with a cold sweat. He looked at the clock and realized he had been asleep for three hours. Jim had shifted slightly away from Sebastian and Seb was glad for it. He rose from the bed and slumped down in the chair near the window. With shaking hands, he lit a cigarette and used the motion of smoking in order to calm himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt the the wetness there. His fingers rested on his eyelids and he placed his elbows on his knees. He heard Jim stir in the bed and he sniffed a bit in order to appear as if he wasn’t crying.

“Sebastian?” Jim called groggily from the bed.

“Yeah.” Sebastian said, his voice gravelly and gruff as he spoke aloud. Jim got up from the bed and went to sit on the edge of the mattress near to where Sebastian was sitting in the chair. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No.” Jim said, softly. “Alright then?”

“Yeah. Nightmare.”

“You … want…”

“No.” Sebastian said quickly and firmly, shutting the conversation down. Jim understood that he didn’t want to discuss his demons and Jim was fine with that. His own demons were enough.

Jim scrubbed his face with his hand and blinked his eyes a few times as he continued to wake up. Sebastian stubbed out his cigarette in the saucer he was using as an ashtray and sighed. Jim was more awake than he had been a few minutes ago and he was acutely aware that Sebastian needed a distraction.

“How about a walk?” Jim offered. Sebastian considered it for a moment and decided that it sounded like a good idea. Some fresh air would be just what he needed.

“Sounds fine.” Sebastian said. He pulled on his clothes and Jim followed suit. Sebastian was standing in the middle of the room, running over his check list in his head. He had his wallet, keys and cigarettes. There was nothing he was forgetting. Jim slid into his space and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning against his chest for a moment. He pressed his ear to the space over Sebastian’s heart and listened to it’s beat for a moment. Sebastian found his arms curl around Jim and he rested his cheek on the top of his head. It was a quiet moment and just what Sebastian needed to wipe away the last of the clawing nightmare that was still plaguing him.

Sebastian had spent time in Dublin before, but Jim walked with him and showed him ‘his’ Dublin. They stopped for hot coffee and a greasy one and one. They sat on a park bench and ate their lunch, talking about the city and their favorite things there.

“It’s nice to back somewhere that I can speak the Queen’s English and not feel too much like an outsider.” Sebastian offered as he lifted a chip up to his lips.

“You’ve been traveling a lot.” Jim observed. 

“Yeah. It’s something to keep me occupied. I don’t know that I will get to travel a lot for pleasure in the future. So, I’m burning through Father’s money to enjoy my last year of freedom.”

“Lucky you.” Jim bit out. Sebastian put his chips down in his lap and looked at Jim. He knew that he was financially privileged and he hated the idea that he was being judged for the status he was born into.

“My father sees me as nothing more than a pawn that he plans on dressing up as a rook to further his connections. He doesn’t care about me as his blood, just as a legacy. So, I spend his money and do what I want. Until I am done at Oxford in a few years. Then I am supposed to follow in his foot steps.”

“And what footsteps are those?” Jim inquired.

“Begin my grooming to be a peer of the realm when he dies. To keep the Moran family name clean and free of scandal. He expects me to find a lovely trophy wife at uni, marry her, pop out a few kids and take over in his office.” Sebastian lamented.

“And you don’t want to.”

“Why would I? Besides, there is nothing about a woman that makes me want to touch them sexually, let alone pretend to be happy in a loveless marriage. I suppose I could find a willing beard with tendencies like my own, but that’s even too much bother. Father expects me to read into business. I’ve gone behind him and requested history.”

“You like history?” Jim said, his eyebrow quirking up.

“I do. Especially military history.” Sebastian sighed. “I do not want to be Lord Moran.”

“Lord?” Jim squeaked. “I had no idea I have just slept with royalty.”

“Royalty.” Sebastian scoffed. “No. Just the son of a Lord.”

“It’s closer than I have ever gotten to royalty.” Jim suddenly bounced in his seat. “Exactly how much do you hate your father?”

“Honestly?” Jim nodded. “If the man dropped dead right now, I would dance on his grave, give away his money to the homeless, the gays and a few dozen other charities that he hated, burn down the house and do what I want for once in my life. And take my sister someplace special. ”

“Don’t mince words. Tell me how you really feel.” Jim sang. Sebastian smiled for the first time since breakfast.

“Why? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Weelll….” Jim started. His eyes were glistening with the promise of something exciting. “What would your father do if you walked into the house with me. I can do camp. And be your little bit of Irish rough?”

“First of all, you are not my little bit of rough. Secondly, I am not ready to come out to my father. My mother… I think she knows. But my father… he’d cut me off without a pence. And I don’t want that quite yet. It’s a lot more complicated than you know.” Sebastian answered, anger beginning to seep into his words.

“But Tiger, it’s amazingly simple.” Jim stated, his voice bored.

“What do you know? Do your parents know you are gay? That you are popping drugs and shagging the first guy who shows an interest?” Sebastian was on his feet, his fists clenched at his sides. He was upset with Jim for bringing back the terror that he had thought he erased from his earlier nightmare. It was like a thick noose around his neck and he was beginning to have a problem breathing. 

Jim watched as Sebastian stood up and began to pace in a small tight circle. The tentacles of the panic attack were reaching out for him, but Jim was angry too. The last thing he wanted to do was to talk the man in front of him down from his panic and he was too proud to admit that he was the one who caused it. Jim knew that his social skills were good enough to sham in normal society, but it was his lack of empathy that kept him from reaching normality. 

Sebastian stilled his movements and turned on Jim. His face was tight and his breathing shallow. “So, was it so simple for you?” Sebastian hissed through his teeth.

“No. It was amazingly a pain in the arse. My step father was dead and my mother was on her death bed when she told me that she knew. She only hoped that I would be happy. But how could I ever be happy?” Jim seethed. He rose from the bench and stalked off into the park and away from Sebastian. His hands were stuffed deeply into his pockets and he kept his head up, chin high, defiantly.

Sebastian watched as Jim left, his panic finally reaching critical levels. He reached into his pocket and swallowed two of the pills he kept in a little bottle on his key ring. His panic attacks were becoming more frequent as he was getting older and he tried to tamp down the memories that started them all. He didn’t want to fight with Jim, but the man was clueless as to how awful his own life was. 

Sebastian turned on his heel and walked back to his hotel in agony. The thirty minute walk helped to cool off his temper and the medications had finally begun to loosen the knot in the center of his chest as he opened the door to his room. He dumped the contents of his pockets on the dresser. Kicking off his boots, he flopped down on the bed and allowed the medication to pull him under the thick blanket of sleep that often accompanied his taking them.

 

Jim walked around the cold city that was his home until the street lamps turned on in the purple dusk of the evening. He stood under one of them and looked up at the sky. The first stars were beginning to shine in the sky and he no longer felt the damp cold that had seeped into his bones. He drew in a deep breath and realized that he was being an arse. He hated the way he had spoken to Sebastian and that fact alone scared and startled him. He had never felt that anyone was worth anything but his scorn and he was amazed by that difference in his outlook that one single person could make.

Jim began to walk again, lost in his own head. He wasn’t planning on where he was going but before he knew where he was, he found himself standing on the curb outside of the hotel where Sebastian was staying. He swallowed dryly and climbed up the carpeted steps up to the main doors. The doorman gave him an odd look as he held the door for him and Jim wrinkled his nose in distaste. He was not impressed with the man who tried to put on airs working a minimum wage job in a hotel in the city.

Jim strode across the lobby, and stood before the dull metal reflection of the elevator doors. His eyes moved up to his mirror image and he ran a hand over his hair to smooth it back before they opened. He realized that his hand was shaking. “Why am I nervous?” he asked himself.  
The doors parted and Jim stepped into the lift. He depressed the correct button and with a near silent whosh, the doors shut and he was carried upwards.

Sebastian blinked awake, not registering what had awoken him. His mouth was dry and still carried the bitter tang of panic. He scrubbed his hand over his face and looked around the darkened room to see what had awoken him.

The second knock on the door sent Sebastian scrambling over the edge of the bed and he landed with a thud on the floor. He stood up and winced a bit at the pain in his shoulder. He was rubbing it with his hand when he pulled open the door to find Jim standing on the other side.  
“Are you alright?” Jim asked, having heard the rough landing Sebastian received.

“Fine.” Sebastian snapped. He leaned against the door frame and looked at Jim. His cheeks were pink from the cold and his hair was messy, as if he had been running his hands through it repeatedly. “Is there something you wanted?”

“Sebastian.” Jim sighed. “I’m sorry about... before.”

“Yeah, well.” Sebastian’s hand went to the back of hi  
s neck where he rubbed at the short hairs there. His shoulder gave a twinge of pain as he moved and he dropped his arm quickly in response.  
“You aren’t okay.” Jim said. Sebastian shrugged and winced again as his shoulder pulled. “Let me.” Jim said, pushing Sebastian aside and striding into the room. He dropped his coat on a chair and motioned for Sebastian to come over and sit on the floor at the edge of the bed. Sebastian obliged with a huff and Jim sat on the edge of the bed. He began to knead the knot in Sebastian’s shoulder.

After the initial shock of pain, Sebastian relaxed into the contact. He hadn’t realised that he needed a human connection more than anything that evening.

“I really am sorry.” Jim said after a bit. “I forget that just because my life is shite that pretty rich boys can’t have their own issues.”

“Yeah.”

“And I hate to admit it, but I really was pushing your buttons. I should have seen the level of anxiety there from your nightmare earlier.”

“It’s always there.” Sebastian muttered and Jim nodded. He stopped his strong and slender hands on Sebastian’s shoulder and rested his chin on the top of Sebastian’s head.

“I really wasn’t pushing you. Just trying to get a reaction.”

“I know.” Sebastian said wearily. “I’m just…. It’s hard to describe.”

“You were sleeping when I got here.”

“I had to take my meds. They make me tired.” Sebastian shrugged, noting the pain in his shoulder was gone.

“Hm.” Jim offered in return. He leaned back on the bed after planting a small kiss on the top of Sebastian’s ginger hair before laying down on the bed.

“That’s part of what this gap year has been about.” Sebastian said, continuing to sit on the floor and stare at the bland wooden dresser in front of him. “I was trying to come down off of a pretty bad year at school. And to find ways of dealing with the constant thrum of tension that is my life’s blood.”

“When did it start?” Jim asked innocently. He scrunched up his face as soon as the words had left his mouth. “Nevermind. You don’t have to answer it.”

“No.” Sebastian waved his hand in the air. “I guess the first time was when I was five. I had spent the summer with my mother and sister in America. I was on the plane back to London and I… couldn’t breath. Turns out I had a panic attack. I get them when I have anything to do with my father.”

“I’m sorry.” Jim stated. Sebastian nodded his response and tapped his feet on the floor.

“Would you stay tonight?” Sebastian asked.

“If you want me too.” Jim countered. Sebastian rose from the floor and crawled up onto the bed. Jim curled around him and placed his head on his chest, listening to the too slow heartbeat from the medication. It was unsettling to Jim.

“I do.” Sebastian said. He sat up a little on the bed, resting against the headboard and dragging his cigarettes closer to him. He pulled one out and toyed with it for a moment before placing it between his lips and lighting it. He offered one to Jim who declined and settled himself so that his head was resting against Sebastian’s hip.

“I should go back to the house and get some things. I have to work tomorrow. It would be easier to leave from here.” Jim said as Sebastian’s hand found his hair and was carding through it.

“I should eat.” Sebastian said absently. 

“Are you hungry?” Jim asked absently.

“Not really. But I can cut through the medication hangover faster if I eat.” Sebastian sighed and continued to run his fingers through Jim’s hair.

“I know a great place to grab a quick bite on the way to the house. I can stop on the way back if you want me too.” Jim offered. His own brain kicked him. He was not only being pleasant to another person, but offering to help them when they needed it. It was unlike the persona that James Moriarty had carefully crafted. And he was more nervous about what that meant in the long run for himself than anything.

Sebastian twisted his lips a bit and considered his options. “Do you not want me to come with you?” he asked, feeling slightly hurt.

Jim shrugged against Sebastian’s side. “It’s up to you really. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to come and walk into the party that I am sure is raging at the house or if you wanted to stay here.”

“Fuck.” Sebastian breathed out. “I forgot about the party.” He rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb. 

“I can go and be back within an hour.” Jim offered again. Sebastian nodded his head and blew out a breath.

“I’m sorry.” he said, his voice shaking.

“For what?” Jim asked, pulling on his coat.

“I don’t know.” Sebastian admitted. Jim buttoned his old wool coat and climbed back onto the bed. He knelt between Sebastian’s legs and leaned up to kiss him on the lips.

“Don’t apologise if you have nothing to apologise for. Especially to me. I’ll be back soon.” Jim kissed him again and Sebastian felt the tug of the medication pulling him towards sleep.

Jim closed the door to the room and leaned against the wall in the empty hallway for a moment. His hands covered his face and he took a deep breath.

“Cad Tá mé ag dul isteach?”* he asked himself before rubbing his hands up and over his hair before setting back off to his house.

Jim walked along the darkened streets of his home town, reaching his own street before he had realised he was there. he had kept his head was down and his body was both tense and relaxed at the same time. He was excited at the thought of spending another night with Sebastian, but he was still nervous. Jim was sure that his own demons would come to haunt him and he felt as a child playing house while their parents were away. He knew that in just a short period of time, Sebastian would be gone and Jim would be on his own again. That thought was frightening for the grief of the sudden friendship that was developing and comforting in the familiarity of being alone.  
Jim had been on his own for a long time. Even when he was young, Jim was alone. Smarter than everyone he knew, he excelled at school and cared little for the insipidness of his fellow students. His dedication to his studies was one of the reasons he was 19 and about to finish university with a double first in mathematics and astrophysics. But his life’s ambitions were dreams that he shared with no one. And he saw the path for his own life spread out before him like a golden road. Until the previous night, he had always seen himself transversing that path alone.

Meeting Sebastian gave him pause and had his thoughts drifting to a second, a lieutenant that he could trust to help him with his goals. These were the daydreams that were floating through his head as he reached his front door and opened it without noticing the party in full furrey around him.

Jim mounted the main stairs to reach his room when a hand on his elbow shocked him out of his inner monologue. Normally, his reaction to touch was violent and he spun to acost whomever had stopped him mid stride. It was George.

“JIM!” George exclaimed. Jim took a deep breath in when he realized the man was already quite drunk. “Where have you been all day? You need to come and join the party!”

“I’ve got plans.” Jim said quickly and wrenched his arm from George’s grasp. He ran up the stairs and nearly slammed the door shut to his room before climbing the rest of the way. He leaned with his back against the door and tried to regain his breath. Running through his mental checklist of what he needed to grab, he mapped out the quickest and most efficient way to grab his clothes and other things and be back out of the house in the least amount of time.

Five minutes later he was back to the front door, with both George and Charles blocking the way and waiting for Jim. Jim’s body tensed with the potential for a fight. He wasn’t strong but he was quick and lithe. He would be injured, but it wouldn’t be as bad as the beatings he received when he was a kid. He put his bag in his hand, ready to drop it or use it as a weapon if needed.

“Where you off to?” Charles asked, his voice thick with drink and his balance was already compromised.

“I have plans, as I said earlier.” Jim drawled, his voice even and bored.

“Yeah, you said that. You’ve been gone all day and Maureen said she saw you in the park with a ginger boy before. She described Basher. Where is he?” George confronted Jim. Jim shrugged and began to try and step around his housemates.

“You got a date or something?” George asked again.

“Something.” Jim said. George’s meaty hand came out and grabbed for Jim again. Jim sidestepped the grip and turned around to glare at his housemates.

“Oi!” George called. “You tell Basher that when he’s done fucking you into the mattress to come around tomorrow and spend some time with his real friends.” 

Jim swallowed down his retort and his anger, walking out of the door without another word. He made it to the market to pick up something for himself and Sebastian to eat before he realised his hands were shaking and his brow was damp with a cold sweat.

Jim paid for the meager supper and nearly sprinted back to the hotel. He had swiped Sebastian’s key before leaving.He let himself into the room and shut the door behind him. Jim slumped to the floor and he dropped his bundles. With his knees curled up to his chest Jim let the entirety of emotions run through him because of the encounter he had at his own home.

Sebastian heard the door shut behind Jim gently and rolled over in the bed, where he had fallen back to sleep while waiting for Jim. A quick glance at the clock assured him that Jim had only been gone for thirty minutes when he heard him and his purchases hit the floor. Seb sat up with a start and looked out into the dim room. His gaze settled on a heap on the floor near the door that he recognised as Jim.

“Jim?” Sebastian called out, his voice gravelly and thick with sleep. “Alright?”

Jim couldn’t make his voice work and he only gave a small cry of acknowledgement at Sebastian’s question. As fast as lightening, Sebastian was at Jim’s side, pulling him towards his own strong chest, onto his own lap as he folded himself down onto the floor.

“Kitten, what happened?” Sebastian asked worriedly. “Did something happen to you? Are you hurt?”

Jim managed to shake his head and took a steadying breath. He felt Sebastian’s strong arms around him and instantly felt more grounded. He looked up and found Sebastian’s blue eyes filled with concern. It warmed Jim’s cold heart and his hand lifted to rest on Sebastian’s cheek. He kissed him and the tension in Sebastian’s grip eased a bit.

“They know.” Jim finally said after he regained a bit more of his composure. His fear and relief was slowly being replaced with anger.   
Sebastian watched as Jim’s already dark eyes went completely black with rage and he stiffened at the understanding of Jim’s two simple words. He closed his own blue eyes and wondered how long he still had. How soon he could leave Dublin for parts unknown and enjoy his last bit of freedom for the rest of his life.

“Come on, love. Let’s get more comfortable and you can tell me what happened.” Sebastian offered, trying to calm Jim as he ran through plans in his own head.

Jim nodded and gathered himself to his feet. He stripped off his coat, trainers and socks. Jim loved to be barefoot when he could and he thought better when his feet were uncovered. Sebastian picked up Jim’s rucksack and placed it on the dresser next to his own. He felt the bottle inside and raised his eyebrows at Jim. Jim nodded as Sebastian pulled out the bottle of whiskey from the night before. Jim gathered two glasses from the bath and they settled cross-legged onto the bed, facing each other to drink and to talk while they ate the sandwiches Jim had picked up for them.

“I wasn’t wrong about the party. By the time I had gotten there, I was lost in my own head and didn’t realise that I was walking into a full blown Roman orgy. George stopped me on the stairs and drunkenly asked me to join them. I declined.” Sebastian nodded at Jim’s beginning.

“So what happened to make you so upset?” 

“I’m getting there. A story needs to be told properly.” Jim chided. Sebastian smiled. It was the first time either of them had smiled at each other for several hours.

“Alright then, go on.”

“Stop interrupting me and I will.” Jim smirked. Sebastian laughed a little and waited for Jim to finish. “After I gathered my things, I went to leave and I thought it would be fine. But when I got to the door, George and Charles were waiting there. They were both obviously drunk and both looking to show how manly there are. So they began asking where I had been all day and where you were. They sounded like a couple of old grandmothers. I was leaving when George grabbed me for the second time and told me to pass on a message to you.”

Jim stopped talking, half for dramatic effect, half to regain the margin of control that had slipped from his grasp. He noted that his grip on his glass was so tight his knuckles were white and he downed the rest of his whiskey before opening his mouth again.

“I was told to tell you that when were you were done fucking me into the mattress to come around tomorrow and see your real friends.”

Jim knew that he was quick, but the speed that Sebastian rose from the bed rivaled that of a Formula One car. Jim ducked and shuddered at the sound of Sebastian’s glass hitting the wall with such force. It was too close to the drunken nights where he had hidden under the kitchen table as a child. 

But with that memory came the realisation that as handsome as he found Sebastian in general he was beautiful in anger. His eyes flashed with wrath and his skin had a reddened look as the flush of anger caressed his face. His fists were clenched at his sides and his breathing was ragged. Jim felt each observation settle in the depths of his stomach and his own voice betrayed him in the next moment.

“Oh, Tiger.” Jim said breathily, his words a moan. Sebastian stilled and turned his face towards Jim. He noted the arousal on his body and his own breath hitched at the sight of wanton desire he was observing.

“Those motherfucking…” Sebastian took a deep breath. “how dare they consider you nothing but a toy.”

Jim’s expression changed and he tilted his head to the side to see if he could gain a better understanding of Sebastian’s statement. Sebastian continued to seeth, but he was calmer than he had been moment earlier.

“I swear, they don’t want me to come to the house tomorrow. I will fucking…” Sebastian let the rest of the threat hang in the air.

“Are you more upset that they think you are slumming it with me or the fact that they know you are gay?” Jim asked, trying to understand Sebastian’s emotions.

“Well,” Sebastian said, his voice flat. “it’s not like they don’t know I’m gay. I don’t do camp. But I’ve never hid it from them either. What I want to know is how a bunch of fucking twats like that figured out we were together.”

“Some brainless bird saw us in the park.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So there is that.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian sat on the edge of the bed, calmer than he had been and he took Jim’s hand in his own. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“The glass?” Sebastian nodded at Jim’s question. “It was a little… close to home. But the rage. Oh, Tiger. It’s beautiful. I can only imagine how beautiful you are when you are properly angry.”

“Turned you on, didn’t it.”

“You have to ask?” Jim asked, pulling Sebastian’s hand into his crotch and splaying his fingers over his half hard cock.

“Fuck.” Sebastian moaned out. “That’s incredible.”

“What? That I can get hard?” Jim laughed.

“No. To see that I can do that to someone. Someone like you.” Sebastian gave Jim a half smile and Jim leaned over to kiss Sebastian.

“Tiger. You have no idea.” Jim moaned out and Sebastian pulled Jim’s bottom lip between his teeth.

Jim shifted the empty papers from their sandwiches out of the way as he crawled towards Sebastian. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him closer.

They sat in each other’s arms, nipping skin and lips with teeth and soothing the pain with their kisses for a while. Neither of them appeared to be in a heated rush to succomb to their base desires.

“How long are you…” Jim began to ask and stopped after he thought about how the question sounded in his voice instead of his head.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it yet.” Sebastian said. “When do classes start again?”

“Three weeks. But I have to work.” Jim lamented. 

“Hmmm.” Sebastian answered. He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment and thought to himself. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jim asked as he settled himself into Sebastian’s arms.

“Not much. Just trying to figure out how long I can stay in Dublin. Or how long….” he shut his mouth with a click.

“How long what?” Jim sang.

“Nothing. It’s not important.” Sebastian answered, his embrace tightening a bit around Jim. Jim wiggled himself out of Seb’s arms and sat on the edge of the bed.

Sebastian settled himself against the headboard and pulled out a cigarette. He twirled it between his fingers for a moment before putting it in his mouth. Jim pulled his feet up so that his heels were against his arse and curled his arms around his knees.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked after taking a deep drag on his cigarette. As he exhaled, the smoke curled around his head and in the dim lighting it created a halo of sorts around his reddened hair. Jim watched Sebastian out of the corner of his eye and heaved a dramatic sigh.

“Why do they call you Basher?” Jim asked. Sebastian let out a large booming laugh and Jim couldn’t help but smile at the sound.

“Rugby. I’m known to bash a few skulls in. And the name stuck.” Sebastian shrugged. “Didn’t your mates at school give you a nick name?”

“I didn’t have friends at school. Still don’t.” Jim said matter of factly. 

“I thought I was at least a friend.” Sebastian retorted.

“You?” Jim smirked. “Tiger, I think it’s safe to say you are more than a friend.” Jim rose from the bed and twitched the curtain that covered the window back a bit, taking in the bleak winter scene of Dublin before him. He wrapped his other arm around his own waist and stared out of the window for a moment. “I’ve always been smaller and younger than the other students I studied with. And smarter. It never sat well with them. I was beaten up… a lot.”

“Try being the son of a Lord and having crippling anxiety issues. I had to learn to be fast on my feet and with my fists.”

Jim turned around quickly, and Sebastian noted his face was sad.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian echoed his earlier question.

“Nothing and everything.” Jim finally admitted. He sank into a chair and leaned his head back against the top of it.

“Thanks for the clarification.” Sebastian said sarcastically.

“What are we doing?” Jim asked. Sebastian narrowed his eyes at Jim and waited for him to say something else. Jim fell silent.

“I don’t understand the question.” Sebastian admitted.

“Then please allow me to spell it out for you.” Jim fired back. “You waltzed into town yesterday to visit some old mates from your posh public boarding school. You found someone interesting enough to take notice of you and invite you back to their bed. We have a bit of fun and in a few days you head back to whatever misguided attempt at rebellion you have been partaking in since finishing Eton. And I go back to my life, such as it is. So, why are we doing this? Why are we still sitting here, talking to each other, instead of taking advantage of two bodies that have obvious mutual attraction? Why aren’t we fucking each other until we can’t walk or speak?”

Jim huffed as he finished his rant and Sebastian’s eyes closed. He took in a deep and sad breath.

“Honestly Jim. Did you think that in a few days, a week, a fucking month, I would be sipping some fruity arse drink out of a coconut on some beach and not be thinking of you? That I would be hiking through the jungle of Vietnam or catching a wave in Sydney and not be wishing that you were there with me? That I would leave and never give you another passing thought? That I just jump into whatever bed is warm and there is an invitation delivered to me?”

“Yes.” Jim answered simply.

“Then that just goes to prove that we know nothing about each other.” Sebastian vollied back.

“I know you. You. Don’t. Know. Me.” Jim exploded back, rising from the chair. His chest was heaving and Sebastian watched as Jim stalked around in a circle.

“Jim.” Sebastian said, his voice calm and even. His mind was still placid from the medication he had taken earlier and if he had been sober, he would have been a writhing mess of flayed and open nerves on the floor. Jim stopped his movement for a millisecond at the mention of his name and continued on his path.

“Fucking hell, Sebastian. You are doing something to me that I have never experienced before.”

“And what exactly is that?” Sebastian asked. Jim stood still. Stock-still as he rotated his head slightly to the left. 

“You are making me care.”

“And what is wrong with caring?” 

“Nothing for others. But for me it’s deadly.”

“I find that hard to believe. You are human after all.”

“Careful, Tiger.” Jim smirked. “You are headed into dangerous territory here.”

“I live for danger.” Sebastian countered. He scrubbed his face with his right hand as he blew out a breath. “But I think you might be right.”

“I know I am.”

“Really, Jim. What the fuck are we doing? Are we heading towards the beginnings of a relationship? Or is this a one off and that’s the end of it?”

“Exactly what I’m trying to figure out, darling.”

Sebastian let out a moan of frustration and opened the bottle of whiskey that was sitting on the bed and took a long pull from it. Jim climbed back onto the bed and took the bottle from Sebastian when he offered it and took a drink himself.

“If I could take you with me, I would.”

“And if I could go, I would.” Jim said softly.

“So, what do you want Jim? You want me to stay here? You want me to leave tomorrow?” 

“I don’t know. And I don’t like it.”

“Not knowing sucks, yeah. But I would do it. Just so you know.”

“Do what?”

“Stay.”

“Why?”

Sebastian shrugged and pinched the skin between his eyes. Jim curled his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs, holding the bottle of whiskey loosely in his left hand. 

“Shrugging is not really an answer. It’s a way to avoid telling someone what is really on your mind. So, tell me Sebastian. What’s really on your mind?” Jim said as flatly as he could. He was afraid his voice would betray the storm of emotions in his raging mind.

Sebastian took the bottle from Jim’s hand and let his fingers linger a bit as he skimmed over his skin. The electric shock of his touch startled Jim a bit and he fought to keep his external mask in place. It was slipping rapidly and Jim became concerned that he was becoming more comfortable in letting it slip in front of Sebastian.

Sebastian took a long drink from the bottle and recapped it before placing it on the bedside table. He rested his back against the headboard and crossed his long legs at the ankles. Taking in a deep breath he tried to steady himself.

“You’re right again.” he started. “I don’t want to say it out loud.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else….”

“Admit what Sebastian?” Jim goaded.

“Fuck off.” Sebastian said. He opened his mouth to speak again. “I don’t want to admit that I might be falling for you.” Sebastian growled out the last statement and Jim’s face curled into a bright smile and Sebastian closed his eyes to reign in his temper. 

“Finally.” Jim breathed out.

“What? You think is some sort of joke?” Sebastian snarled.

“Far from it Tiger.” Jim said calmly. 

Sebastian shifted a bit and for the first time in several hours he felt lighter. Jim uncurled his legs and lay back on the bed. He folded his hands under his head and settled his gaze on a small crack in the plaster of the ceiling. 

“Then why are you suddenly so relaxed?” Sebastian asked, watching Jim make himself more comfortable.

“Because we have put it all out there now. The hardest part is over.”

“I’m not following.” Sebastian said, his brow wrinkled in confusion.

“You are falling for me and I find myself doing the same. The final question yet to be answered is what to do with this information.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian said rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “Suggestions?”

“I’m thinking.” Jim drawled. Sebastian nodded silently and shifted the pillow behind his back. Jim’s gaze never left the ceiling and Sebastian was beginning to feel the fatigue of an emotional day close around him.

“Lie down, Tiger. I’m not going any where.” Jim said, his eyes never leaving the ceiling.

“Only if you come up here with me.” Sebastian yawned.

Jim rose from the bed and went to the bathroom to scrub his teeth and changed into loose flannel pyjama bottoms. Sebastian took his turn in the bathroom and returned to find Jim curled around a pillow on the bed. Sebastian stood for a moment and let the vision of Jim in the bed wash over him. He felt a warm rush in his stomach and Jim sighed.

“Get in the bed.” he said into the pillow.

Sebastian settled himself into the bed on his side and faced Jim. Jim’s hand traced down Sebastian’s arm and came to rest on his hip.

“Sleep.” Jim said and Sebastian pressed his lips against Jim’s. Jim kissed him back and rested his forehead against Sebastian’s. They lay this way for a while, their eyes closed and breathing slowing. 

Jim listened to Sebastian as he slept, finding the warmth of the other man in the bed with him comforting in a way that he hadn’t felt for a long time. He let the veil of sleep fall over him and his dreams were kind and light instead of their usual dark and dangerous variety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * What am I getting into?

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc-fROR3NN0
> 
> This is the song that inspired the title. I may post a song for each chapter... we'll see.
> 
> I would love comments to tell me what you think!
> 
> You can also follow me on tumblr - http://jlillymoon.tumblr.com


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